Every New Beginning
Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End
I always have good intentions of keeping up with my blog but life gets the best of me. Its January 1st, 2018, and it's a Monday - so I'm telling myself there's no better time to hop back on the horse than right now! Naturally, I'm not sure where to start or what I Want to write about for this blog, so it will likely be my jumbled thoughts about life, and maybe a slight update from the past year - so that I can read it again in the future. Essentially- this post if for myself, but if you find yourself reading it - I hope you enjoy!
It's -20 degrees out, maybe worse then that - I stopped looking. Every year at this time of year my husband and I contemplate moving to a warmer climate. Staying indoors with a toddler is NOT ideal! Today, Ezra looking outside and said "Want to play digger in snowman" (he calls the "snow" "snowman" ....I haven't corrected him because it's adorable). So - we bundled him in about 50 layers, grabbed his digger, and went outside. Within 5 mins he was standing, staring at me, and said "mom - want to go inside and warm up." Well - there ya have it. And MN winter summed up in a paragraph ;). Bored of being indoors, going outdoors, immediately regretting your decision.
I am almost 20 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. Around 15 weeks, maybe a bit before, my milk completely dried up. Ezra was 26ish months old. I dry nursed him for at least a month, and I still will when he asks, but its painful. Not only physically painful, but emotionally as well. When I decided to breastfeed - my intention was 6 months. 6. not 26. No one EVER told me the strong connection and emotions that would be tied to nursing. I suppose it wouldn't have made a huge difference if they did - it's something you have to experience to understand. For over 2 years - nursing was such a huge part of my life and his. As he aged, it became a smaller and smaller part of our lives, but still was such a sacred thing. It was our thing, ya know? No one else had that sort of bond with him. When he was sick - he would want nothing but snuggles and nursing. When he was a newborn and infant - heck - his entire first year - it sustained him. When he fell down or got hurt, nursing was his comfort. I could've NEVER imagined this beautiful relationship breastfeeding would've turn into and not - it has come to an end. (or - very close, anyways). In some ways I am thankful. My body needs a break, and needs to focus on nourishing myself and the growing baby. But in other ways - I can't help but feel I failed him. He wasn't ready to wean yet. While it happened gently - it happened on my body's time - not his time. As I type this - tears stroll down my face. I remember the first time Ezra fell asleep without nursing. He didnt ask for it. Just snuggled and fell asleep. I held him close and sobbed. I knew that was the beginning of the end. It is SO incredibly amazing to watch him gain independence in every area of his life. He is brilliant and beautiful and creative. And so silly! But it was hard for me to watch him gain independence from me in that specific area. What an amazing ride this has been. Ezra - I love you more than you will ever know.
Onto the baby! This year, we decided we felt ready to try for baby #2. From the start - we said we would try 6 months, and consider adoption at that point. We've ALWAYS considered adoption, even before Ezra ever came into the picture. We tried for 5 months and found out we were pregnant August 18, 2017. Due date May 25, 2018. Our plan is to have a home birth this time. I've been meeting with a lovely midwife from Olivia, MN. She comes to my house, answers all my questions, has me pee on a stick, checks vitals etc, and Ezra's favorite part (and mine) listens to the heartbeat. It's so comforting to have someone in my own home. I'm excited to see how the rest of pregnancy goes. So far I have been feeling great!!! Within the past few weeks - I've started feeling the baby move, which is an awesome feeling. Baby is moving/kicking as I type right now. With Ezra - I had an anterior placenta. My placenta was in the front, and it muffled me being able to feel his movemets, so I missed out on a lot of this stuff! My midwife is coming this week for my 20 week appt.
Cole, Ezra, and I are all getting over a post-Christmas cold. Only lasted a few days, but a lingering cough! Ezra had a fever for one day. We all had congestion and coughs. It meant we all spent a few days in bed together watching Cars 3, Stinky & Dirty, and of course- Ezra's favorite - Paw Patrol. It was nice to be able to just enjoy eachother's presence, even though we were under the weather. Cole and I would watch sermons when Ezra fell asleep. Or - we would sleep too! Clean the house? Heck noooo. The dishes piled up and we just snuggled tighter. I am so fricken thankful for my family. I love them so much. I wish I could put words with my feelings for them - but there are none that measure up.
2017 was a great year. Full of love. In many ways - 2017 had me feeling....somewhat....disconnected? Sometimes I find it so hard to connect with REAL life, when social media and everything else is calling our names 24/7. I was on my phone, particularly Facebook, FAR more than I would like to admit. And for what? What did I gain from it? Nothing. Mindless scrolling. Missing out on smiles and connecting with my son. Missing out on important conversations with my husband. These are the things I am not happt confessing. But there is growth to be had. I hope I look back on this a year from now, or even a month from now, and say "wow, I am so thankful I am not longer that person." I have so many thoughts on this...maybe worth an entire blog post of itself, we shall see.
About those dishes, though. They are calling my name now. We had our weekend together, and Cole had today off from work since it's the New Year. That means tomorrow - "regular" life resumes! No more all day snuggles and TV marathons! Someday - I will have a dishwasher, but for now - that dishwasher is named "Amy"....although - it truly is more commonly named "Cole" which I am extra thankful for! Tonight - they call my name, and so I must go.
Verse of the day: 2 John 1 vs 2-5
I always have good intentions of keeping up with my blog but life gets the best of me. Its January 1st, 2018, and it's a Monday - so I'm telling myself there's no better time to hop back on the horse than right now! Naturally, I'm not sure where to start or what I Want to write about for this blog, so it will likely be my jumbled thoughts about life, and maybe a slight update from the past year - so that I can read it again in the future. Essentially- this post if for myself, but if you find yourself reading it - I hope you enjoy!
It's -20 degrees out, maybe worse then that - I stopped looking. Every year at this time of year my husband and I contemplate moving to a warmer climate. Staying indoors with a toddler is NOT ideal! Today, Ezra looking outside and said "Want to play digger in snowman" (he calls the "snow" "snowman" ....I haven't corrected him because it's adorable). So - we bundled him in about 50 layers, grabbed his digger, and went outside. Within 5 mins he was standing, staring at me, and said "mom - want to go inside and warm up." Well - there ya have it. And MN winter summed up in a paragraph ;). Bored of being indoors, going outdoors, immediately regretting your decision.
I am almost 20 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. Around 15 weeks, maybe a bit before, my milk completely dried up. Ezra was 26ish months old. I dry nursed him for at least a month, and I still will when he asks, but its painful. Not only physically painful, but emotionally as well. When I decided to breastfeed - my intention was 6 months. 6. not 26. No one EVER told me the strong connection and emotions that would be tied to nursing. I suppose it wouldn't have made a huge difference if they did - it's something you have to experience to understand. For over 2 years - nursing was such a huge part of my life and his. As he aged, it became a smaller and smaller part of our lives, but still was such a sacred thing. It was our thing, ya know? No one else had that sort of bond with him. When he was sick - he would want nothing but snuggles and nursing. When he was a newborn and infant - heck - his entire first year - it sustained him. When he fell down or got hurt, nursing was his comfort. I could've NEVER imagined this beautiful relationship breastfeeding would've turn into and not - it has come to an end. (or - very close, anyways). In some ways I am thankful. My body needs a break, and needs to focus on nourishing myself and the growing baby. But in other ways - I can't help but feel I failed him. He wasn't ready to wean yet. While it happened gently - it happened on my body's time - not his time. As I type this - tears stroll down my face. I remember the first time Ezra fell asleep without nursing. He didnt ask for it. Just snuggled and fell asleep. I held him close and sobbed. I knew that was the beginning of the end. It is SO incredibly amazing to watch him gain independence in every area of his life. He is brilliant and beautiful and creative. And so silly! But it was hard for me to watch him gain independence from me in that specific area. What an amazing ride this has been. Ezra - I love you more than you will ever know.
Onto the baby! This year, we decided we felt ready to try for baby #2. From the start - we said we would try 6 months, and consider adoption at that point. We've ALWAYS considered adoption, even before Ezra ever came into the picture. We tried for 5 months and found out we were pregnant August 18, 2017. Due date May 25, 2018. Our plan is to have a home birth this time. I've been meeting with a lovely midwife from Olivia, MN. She comes to my house, answers all my questions, has me pee on a stick, checks vitals etc, and Ezra's favorite part (and mine) listens to the heartbeat. It's so comforting to have someone in my own home. I'm excited to see how the rest of pregnancy goes. So far I have been feeling great!!! Within the past few weeks - I've started feeling the baby move, which is an awesome feeling. Baby is moving/kicking as I type right now. With Ezra - I had an anterior placenta. My placenta was in the front, and it muffled me being able to feel his movemets, so I missed out on a lot of this stuff! My midwife is coming this week for my 20 week appt.
Cole, Ezra, and I are all getting over a post-Christmas cold. Only lasted a few days, but a lingering cough! Ezra had a fever for one day. We all had congestion and coughs. It meant we all spent a few days in bed together watching Cars 3, Stinky & Dirty, and of course- Ezra's favorite - Paw Patrol. It was nice to be able to just enjoy eachother's presence, even though we were under the weather. Cole and I would watch sermons when Ezra fell asleep. Or - we would sleep too! Clean the house? Heck noooo. The dishes piled up and we just snuggled tighter. I am so fricken thankful for my family. I love them so much. I wish I could put words with my feelings for them - but there are none that measure up.
2017 was a great year. Full of love. In many ways - 2017 had me feeling....somewhat....disconnected? Sometimes I find it so hard to connect with REAL life, when social media and everything else is calling our names 24/7. I was on my phone, particularly Facebook, FAR more than I would like to admit. And for what? What did I gain from it? Nothing. Mindless scrolling. Missing out on smiles and connecting with my son. Missing out on important conversations with my husband. These are the things I am not happt confessing. But there is growth to be had. I hope I look back on this a year from now, or even a month from now, and say "wow, I am so thankful I am not longer that person." I have so many thoughts on this...maybe worth an entire blog post of itself, we shall see.
About those dishes, though. They are calling my name now. We had our weekend together, and Cole had today off from work since it's the New Year. That means tomorrow - "regular" life resumes! No more all day snuggles and TV marathons! Someday - I will have a dishwasher, but for now - that dishwasher is named "Amy"....although - it truly is more commonly named "Cole" which I am extra thankful for! Tonight - they call my name, and so I must go.
Verse of the day: 2 John 1 vs 2-5
2because of the truth, which lives in us and will be with us forever:
3Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father’s Son, will be with us in truth and love.
4It has given me great joy to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as the Father commanded us. 5And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. 6And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
Comments
Post a Comment